When you’re in a relationship where you think everything is going well, a sudden breakup can hit you like a ton of bricks.
Modern culture tells us to be tough women who don’t need to chase after or cry about men, but the end of a relationship can feel like a death in the family and make us feel just as mournful.
There are many situations where a relationship ending is the best course of events for both parties. Sometimes things are simply not meant to be. However, if you feel like your relationship is worth fighting for, there is a specific plan of action that you should follow in order to bring happiness and contentment back into your life.
This isn’t about sending a million text messages or stalking your ex-partner’s place of business. Indeed, that sort of behavior is best left to teenage girls.
If you’re a mature and smart woman, then you should use tips and advice from the best psychologists in order to fix your relationship and make your way back to happiness. Here’s how to win his heart back.
How Do You Connect With a Man’s Heart? Silence is Your Friend
The day after your relationship ends, you’ll probably have a novel’s worth of words floating around in your head and you’ll likely have a strong urge to express these ideas to your former boyfriend.
This is a completely normal and understandable feeling. We are all emotional creatures and a breakup is a very emotionally taxing event. It’s natural to want to make our voices heard.
However, sending your ex a huge paragraph outlining how you feel and why he hurt you is pretty much the worst thing that you can do after a breakup. According to lifestyle blogger Natasha Kendall, most men will barely register the emotional weight of the paragraph that meant so much to you. This is especially true if your ex was the one who initiated the breakup.
No matter how beautifully written that text might be, he’s barely going to register it as significant or important. If you want to learn how to win his heart over text, read our article here.
While he won’t recognize the emotional weight of your text, what he will recognize is that his sudden absence has left you an emotional mess. The last thing you want to do is to give this kind of power to someone who just broke your heart. For men, knowing that they caused that much emotional damage can be a sort of twisted ego boost. Not only are they free of the woman they no longer want to be in a relationship with, but they’re now aware that they significantly impacted her life more than she impacted theirs.
In the aftermath of a breakup, silence is your friend. Don’t reach out, don’t text and don’t you dare send that paragraph.
Of course you have emotions and thoughts that you need to get off your chest. Thankfully, that’s why you have girlfriends, sisters and a mother. Call a woman you trust and love. She’s the person who you want to vent to, not your ex.
Extend That Silence For At Least 30 Days
If you felt a perverse kind of relief that you’d only have to ignore your ex for 24 hours, you’re not going to like this next part.
Unfortunately, a man who ends a relationship needs some time before he realizes what he’s lost. He’s not going to come to the realization that you’re no longer a needed presence in his life after a few days or even after a few weeks.
He’s especially not going to come to this realization if you continue to be active in his life through text messages or social media. That is not how to win a man’s heart back.
If you continue to make conversation with your ex after a breakup, you never create a sense of emptiness for him. By continuing to talk to your ex as “friends,” he gets to have his cake and eat it, too. He got to end the relationship that no longer interested him, but he didn’t completely lose you in his life. He can romance whatever girl he wants to, but he still gets to have you as someone to emotionally support him or entertain him when he’s bored.
Many women think that if they remain in their ex’s life, it’ll keep the spark alive and ensure that you’re a constant in his thoughts. However, this is the absolute worst technique if you want to win his heart back.
Again, in this scenario, he’s enjoying keeping you around while simultaneously enjoying the single bachelor’s life. You’re rewarding his bad behavior and devaluing yourself in the process. He won’t see you as a “ride or die” loyal friend, he’ll see you as a gullible woman who will always show kindness and loyalty, even in the face of abhorrent behavior.
This is why you need to completely disconnect.
Remove him from your social media, delete his number and don’t make any contact. Your absence and your silence are the most powerful tools you have in inspiring your ex to realize that he made a massive mistake.
When you’re suddenly gone, as in completely and totally gone, he’ll slowly begin to realize how much better his days were when you were a part of them.
Your ex already knows this in the back of his mind, even when he’s breaking up with you.
If you’ve ever wondered why men tend to say “let’s be friends” during a breakup, it’s because they know they want to keep you on the back burner. Even if they think they want to end the relationship, they want your friendship because it’s a sort of insurance plan in case their new relationships don’t go to plan.
Don’t give him that undeserved sense of security. Remove yourself completely from his life and send the message that you are not his free and easy backup plan if he can’t find someone new.
Don’t Wallow in The Silence
Many women will accept the strong logic of ending all contact and going silent, but they’ll treat it like a prison sentence.
Sure, they’ll follow the rules, but the whole time they’ll be silently suffering and barely resisting the urge to send that text or post that funny picture on his Facebook page. Instead of understanding that they’re doing what’s best for their own happiness, they’ll feel like they’re being punished for a crime that they didn’t even commit.
It’s normal to feel this way, but you have to fight it. The worst thing you can do is wallow in the silence. According to Psychology Today, one of the reasons why it’s best to end contact after a breakup is because it gives you the time and space that you need to heal. Healing can’t happen during this time if you spend every waking hour obsessing about how unfair and miserable your new situation is.
From time to time after a breakup, you’re going to feel lousy. You’re going to spend your time reliving the good memories in your head and wishing desperately that your ex would come to his senses and come running back to you like a scene from a romantic movie.
However, it’s important that you resist these self-pity sessions in favor of focusing on yourself instead.
When the good memories of your ex pop into your mind, redirect your thoughts to the instances where they disappointed you or behaved in a manner that hurt you. You can also let your mind wander to your various achievements, such as graduating from school or accomplishing a goal. Focus on the things you’ve accomplished all on your own, without the aid or help of a man.
You can also think back to the relationships and breakups you had long before you met your most recent ex. At the time, those heartbreaks also felt like the end of the world, but chances are that they now feel unimportant and insignificant. Remind yourself that like the heartbreaks that came before it, this too shall pass.
It’s Time For a Makeover
You could be the most beautiful woman in the world and your self-image will still likely take a hit after a breakup. Most people really struggle with their self-esteem after experiencing rejection. It’s completely normal to feel like there’s something wrong with you after you’ve been rejected by a person about whom you care.
Before embarking on any sort of makeover after a breakup, it’s important to know some key things. First and foremost, being rejected by a romantic partner does not mean that you’re ugly or undesirable. If you don’t believe that, then take a look at any celebrity gossip blog.
Some of the world’s most gorgeous women are the victims of infidelity or find themselves suddenly dumped by their partner. The truth of the matter is that a breakup has little to do with your appearance or your desirability.
However, just because a breakup isn’t a reflection of the quality of your appearance doesn’t mean that the post-breakup makeover isn’t a good idea. If you’re feeling down about the way that you look, then taking action and making some changes can be a great way to restore your sense of self and feel better about the image you project to the world. That old phrase “look good, feel good” definitely applies here. When you’re confident in how you look, that confidence manifests itself as a feeling of contentment and peace.
Giving yourself a makeover doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Something as simple as buying yourself a few new wardrobe items can do wonders for how you look and feel. The period after a breakup can also be an amazing time to start a new health and fitness journey, but make sure that you’re in a healthy mental space when you do embark on said journey.
You never want to punish yourself with an ultra low-calorie diet or a tortuous fitness program because you think that losing tons of weight quickly will magically transform you into your ex-boyfriend’s dream girl. Instead, you want to get healthy and fit so that you can truly feel good, with your improved outward appearance serving as an added bonus.
When it comes to your hair, exercise caution. According to Bustle, there’s the very real phenomenon of “breakup hair,” where a woman makes a drastic change at the salon after a major breakup.
It’s great to try a new look, but don’t book any appointments when you’re feeling very emotional or impulsive. You don’t want to end up with a cut and color that you hate a few weeks later, as this will just make you feel worse. It’s best to put at least a month between the breakup and your salon appointment to ensure that you get a cut and color that you’ll truly love. In the meantime, focus on your wardrobe and your new fitness goals. If you really want to indulge at the salon, book a manicure or a massage.
Give The Inside a Makeover Too
When we hear the word “makeover,” we tend to think of a recently-dumped character in a movie hitting up the salon, mall and gym in order to completely change how she looks on the outside. While this version of a makeover is all well and good, the most significant makeover that a woman can give herself involves making changes to the inside, not the outside.
One major difference between men and women is that men tend to retain their hobbies and interests in relationships, whereas women are often taught by society to put their personal interests on the back-burner in order to make time for the activities that interest their partner. A man will continue to participate in his amateur hockey league throughout his relationship, whereas his girlfriend will abandon her beloved French cooking class so that she may attend his tournaments instead.
Now is the time to return to the hobbies that you love. If you found yourself sacrificing the things that interested you in order to make yourself more available for your ex, it’s time to return to those beloved pastimes. If you never really had hobbies and instead have always made your boyfriends your hobbies, it’s time to completely makeover your life. Don’t view this as a burden, but rather look at it as a huge opportunity. You have tons of free time to use to discover the things that interest you.
Thanks to the internet, it’s never been easier to discover new hobbies, pursuits and passions. Consider using your newfound free time to study a foreign language, either through YouTube or the plethora of free language-learning apps available online. If you’ve always wanted to be more crafty, there are thousands of online tutorials on how to knit, paint and make things with your own two hands.
In addition to finding new hobbies, consider creating a self-care regimen that will bring you more joy, peace and serenity. Adding yoga and meditation to your days will help you to better handle your emotions and cope with stress.
A twice-a-day skincare routine is not only great for the appearance and health of your complexion, but it gives you some much needed “me time” and is a soothing way to both begin and end your day. If you find yourself mindlessly watching television most nights, consider trading TV for books. Reading regularly allows you to learn new things, improve your cognitive function and is a great way to unwind before you go to sleep.
If you’re truly struggling with feelings of depression or worthlessness, remember that seeking professional help is absolutely a form of self-care.
A weekly session with an understanding therapist is a great way to cope with your situation and to discover new tools to help you improve your life. Ultimately, a breakup can feel like a curse, but it’s often a blessing in disguise. You’re officially a blank slate, ready to make huge improvements to your mind, body and spirit.
How to Capture a Man’s Heart? Fixing Yourself Fixes The Relationship.
At this point, you might be wondering how exactly ignoring your ex while focusing completely on yourself helps to bring him back to you. The fact of the matter is that by distancing yourself from your former partner while putting in work to improve yourself makes you incredibly attractive.
When you and your ex were still together, you were a very available woman who was comfortable in her ways. Now, you’re suddenly this creature of mystery, who never calls and who’s rumored to look better than she ever has before.
If men love anything, it’s whining about their “crazy exes.” While it’s worth mentioning that many of these “crazy” women are merely reacting normally to bad behavior, they do make a lot of mistakes. Instead of taking the high road, they send dozens of texts each day. They call their ex-partner’s mother and they embarrass themselves by airing all of their dirty laundry on Facebook.
Instead of exploring new hobbies and starting that new fitness class, they drown their sorrows in junk food, cocktails and Netflix. While their ex-boyfriend might carry a lot of blame for why these women feel so low, it’s hard not to sympathize with him when he says he wants nothing to do with her anymore. After all, no one wants to be with the sad girl who can’t let go of the past.
The woman who men do want to be with is the confident, self-assured a goal-achieving gal who puts herself first and doesn’t lose any sleep if a man walks out of her life. In fact, this dream woman doesn’t really care if a man comes or goes, as her own life is fulfilling and rewarding enough. A man is not necessary for her happiness, he’s more of an added bonus. With or without a companion, this ideal woman knows and loves herself.
You can never whine, cry and plead your way back into a man’s heart. The only thing you can do is remove yourself completely from his world and then do the work to turn yourself into the type of girl that any smart man would miss.
What To Do When He Comes Back
If you’ve followed this guide, odds are that you’re feeling better a month after your breakup than you have in ages.
Instead of wallowing in despair and self-pity, you’ve made both outward and inward changes that have improved your life immensely. In fact, by following this guide, you probably find yourself thinking of your ex less and less with each passing day. He can sense this and it’s driving him nuts.
When your ex decides to reach out, you need to stay cool, calm and collected. If you respond with overt excitement and rush to go see him at a moment’s notice, then all of your hard work towards improving yourself will have been for nothing. Remember, you are becoming a better, stronger and more self-assured woman. Women like that don’t jump when a man snaps his fingers.
People who fear being alone tend to invest themselves in relationships more intensely than those who don’t. It’s time for you to stop fearing being alone. When your ex reaches out, keep the conversation polite, but be a bit aloof. Don’t offer up too many details over the phone. Don’t be the one to initiate an in-person reunion. If your ex wants to see you, make sure he proposes a meeting that’s worthy of the new you. Dinner with a week’s notice is acceptable, coffee with an hour’s notice is not.
If you’re going to get back together, it’s important that your ex acknowledges the mistakes he’s made in the past. However, more important than him acknowledging these mistakes is him taking action to ensure that such transgressions never happen again. An apology without changed behavior isn’t worth anything at all.
Don’t feel like you have to rush into things once you and your ex have reconciled. In fact, if you do move things along too quickly, you’re going to find yourself in the same horrible situation that prompted you to read this guide in the first place.
After a breakup, a reunion should be treated like a brand new relationship. When you and your ex were first dating, you didn’t let him have every part of you after the first one or two dates.
It’s now his job to court you all over again and to prove to you why he’s worthy of a second chance.
Embrace The New You
Unfortunately, no one can give you a guarantee that your ex will come back to you, even if you do everything perfectly and follow the steps in this guide down to the letter.
It remains a very real possibility that you and your ex will never see each other again. If you’re reading this days after your breakup, you might feel a crushing sense of loss and dread at that idea.
However, if you really put in the work to improve yourself, soon you’ll be able to accept this possibility with little to no emotional response. When you’re on a journey of self-love and self-improvement, you’ll find yourself more secure in who you are sans a partner than ever before.
In fact, as you fall more in love with who you are, you might find yourself more disgusted with your ex-boyfriend’s flaws and character defects than you ever were during the relationship. If you spend the passing weeks after the breakup productively, you might just find yourself realizing that your ex wasn’t worthy of your greatness.
If more than a month has passed and your ex hasn’t tried to reach out, it might be time to start dating again. At first, you might spend these dates zoning out, dreaming of your ex while the poor guy across the table rambles about his dull job. However, you’ll find yourself more invested and more open to the possibility of something new with every date you accept. It sounds like such a cliche, but time really does heal all wounds.
At the end of the day, a breakup can feel as devastating as a death. In some ways it was a death, it was the death of who you were when you were with your ex-partner. Use this to your advantage and from this death, allow yourself to be reborn. You’re a new woman and the world is full of endless possibilities. If your ex wants to reconcile with the new you, fine. If not, there’s nothing but better and more fulfilling relationships on the horizon.