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... and Start Over With Your Ex
You’ve been together with your girl for over a year and you felt like everything was fine. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and fun to be with. You’ve had a few rough spots and issues, but you figure everyone does. Then out of the blue, she decides she wants to break up with you. If that weren’t bad enough, three weeks later, you hear that she’s going out with some other guy in what looks like a rebound relationship.
A rebound relationship happens for many reasons. It can be due to the emptiness left behind when the relationship with you, the person they loved, stopped. They could be hurt, confused, or a little of both, trying to mask the pain by finding someone else who is “not you, but like you.”
Rebound dating is defined in Wikipedia as, ”An undefined period following the breakup of a romantic relationship.” The term’s usage dates back to at least the
1830’s, when Mary Russell Mitford wrote about “nothing so easy as catching a heart on the rebound.”
A simplistic illustration might go something like this.
“Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.”
But that is just part of the story. Jack and Jill kept going up the hill, and every time the same thing happened. Jack would lose his balance, and… well, you get the picture. Jill got so fed up with always taking the fall with Jack that she decided it was time for a change, even though time will show that it really wasn’t Jack’s fault.
One day, Jill traveled down to the other side of the hill, and there she finds Larry at the town watering hole, also known as the local pub. Larry looks similar to her ex- boyfriend, Jack, but at least Larry seems to be able to stand on his own two feet, so Jill decides to start seeing Larry. Soon she realizes that she still needs someone to help her get water, so Larry and Jill climb up the hill together. Unfortunately, Larry also falls, and the whole story begins again. It is safe to say that Jill is in a rebound relationship. Stay tuned in to see if Jill realizes that Jack may not have been the problem, but it might have been that darn hill and the lack of indoor plumbing.
As explained in My Ex Partner Blocked Me on Social Media, rebound relationships are rarely permanent, nor do they usually turn into long-term relationships. They typically last about three to five weeks and are emotional masks that are not serious.
There’s no foolproof way to know if your ex is in a rebound relationship. Only time will tell. The following are just a few of the signs to look for.
Brad Browning states: “By staying focused on yourself, by making yourself a better, more interesting and attractive candidate, by using your mind to learn new things, you give yourself the best chance of winning your ex back.” Click here to watch Brad’s short video.
Self-reflection is not easy, but it will be necessary if you are serious about getting your ex back.
Taking a good look in the mirror and working at bringing out the best in yourself will go a long way towards showing your ex that you seriously want to change. We all hate to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Look back to “what went wrong.” What was your part in the breakup and what can you do to stop it from happening again?
As stated by Samantha Joel Ph.D., Psychology Today, ”Therefore, two key factors influence people’s decisions about whether to get back together with an old flame—the quality of the relationship with the ex-partner, and the quality of the relationship with the new partner.”
Back to the Jack and Jill saga:
Jack is sitting in his office on a Friday afternoon just wondering what he will do with his weekend when the phone rings:
“Hi Jack this is Randy. Did you hear that Jill has dumped that stumbling rebound boyfriend, Larry? I heard that she is missing you and may want to get back together with you.”
“Well Randy, I am not sure I’m ready for that,” Jack says. “I’m hurt that she took Larry up the hill with her in the first place. Also, I still have this little stumbling problem, you know.”
“Ah, come on, man,” Randy pleads. “Let’s go out to the pub tonight and see if Jill is really over this guy Larry. I can pick you up at 9 PM and we’ll sneak a peek.”
“Sorry buddy,” Jack states, “I’m just not ready. Give me some time and we can check it out in a month or so.”
Jack hangs up the phone and closes his eyes for a minute. He is imagining what it would be like to be back with Jill again. He hasn’t really done anything to change his behavior. He only hopes that Jill will be there for him once he has done what he needs to do. As you can see, Jack is doing some serious self-reflection before jumping back into the same old pattern with Jill.
Are you ready to do the hard work of self-reflection? If you feel confident that you have, and are ready to step out, by all means reach out to your ex love and start an open communication. If not, consider pausing to give yourself the time necessary to make the changes needed so that your renewed love affair will last.
Are you ready to get back together with your ex? Have you got a trusted friend that can give you an honest objective opinion? Have you done your best to improve yourself, to resolve any personal issues or weaknesses that may have contributed to hurt and friction, and to be the new and improved partner that your ex wants and deserves? Great, you are on the right track.
This is good news, right? You finally can try again. Your chances of making this work are better than good. However, try hard not to fall back into the same old patterns that caused the issue in the first place. You can’t make someone change but you can change your reactions to them. For example, if your partner has an annoying habit of repeating the same joke, or forgetting to close the toilet lid, you can learn to take it graciously.
One of the most difficult stumbling blocks might be jealousy. It‘s often difficult to let go of the fact that your ex got into a rebound relationship after you split up. A million questions keep flooding your mind as you picture your ex with that other person, that “rebound love.” If you’re honest with yourself, your ex might feel the same way if you had also tried a rebound love. Letting go of your curiosity and chalking it up to “that time apart” could do you wonders. There was a popular song in the late 1980’s called “Good Thing” by the Fine Young Cannibals. One of the lines in the song says, “One day, she came back, I was so happy I didn’t ask.” That’s pretty good advice. Just don’t ask, and rather, work on building that trust you once shared.
You might be wondering, “What happened with Jack and Jill?” You will be happy to hear that Jack was able to work on his issues. In fact, he found out that he kept falling because of an inner ear problem. Once he fixed that, he no longer had a balance problem. He worked on finding forgiveness and peace regarding Jill’s rebound relationship with Larry, and also worked out a loan for Jill to get indoor plumbing. Now the only time Jack and Jill go up the hill is to watch the beautiful sunsets on summer days.
As Jill finally came to her senses, she realized something she had never thought of before. Jack wasn’t the clumsy oaf that she had once considered him to be. Jill also had to do self-reflection. She realized that the grass often looks greener on the other side of the fence, and that she was fortunate and blessed that Jack loved her enough to make the efforts he made for her sake.
They both know that their rekindled love is something that will need honesty, trust and forgiveness to flourish. They have opened the lines of communication and there are no more secrets between them.
Here are some of the best practices for open communication that you might consider when working toward rebuilding your relationship.
Your rebound love story can have a happy ending as well. Take your time, be open to change and self-reflection. Be the best YOU that you can be. The old cliché that states something in the nature of, “You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else,” really applies.
If worst comes to worst, and you and your ex are not able to reconcile, or your ex’s rebound relationship turns out to be a long term thing, at least you will have grown emotionally and will be better prepared for any new love that will come your way in the future.
Jill and Jack both learned a lot from Brad Browning: The Relationship Geek’s videos. Why not check some out for yourself here: