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The Infamous 30 Days – No-Contact Period Psychology Explained

Just like relationships, no two breakups are alike. It is for this reason that many might dispute the effectiveness of the 30- day no contact rule. Some even claim that the no-contact rule is cruel and torture-some. And there might be some truth to it.

kid scared of no contact period

However, this rule is considered a universal concept that has been widely accepted as a technique for getting back an ex. Actually, it is a smooth way of getting back an ex without much hustle. Whatever the case, this rule has been used effectively by millions of individuals around the world. Psychologists themselves support this rule and claim that it is one of the surest ways of winning back an ex.

So, what is the no contact rule?

Simply put, this is a technique for getting back an ex after a breakup. It is also useful in getting over an abusive ex. In unprofessional terms, it is a systematic response to being dumped. This rule only applies to the partner who did not initiate the breakup. The modern version of this rule, termed the radio silence, was developed in France to eliminate the unnecessary elements of the original no contact rule. This was to ensure that individuals using this rule can shift the balance of power in their favour following a breakup.

Up until now, you may be asking yourself the explanation behind the 30 day no contact rule psychology. This can be explained in different aspects. The first aim of this rule is to make your ex miss you. It involves post-breakup etiquette aimed at beckoning the emotional response of an ex. The tip of the iceberg is that if you engage in this rule, your ex will in no time have a strong longing for you. They might even end up becoming desperate to get you back.

Is it the easiest thing in the world? Nope. It takes some nerve. But it pays off.

no texting her no calling her

Planning is everything (but a plan is nothing without action)

Since you are here, your girlfriend or boyfriend may have broken up with you due to various reasons. Whatever their excuse was, you now have the upper hand in the direction of your relationship. It is for this reason that you may want to follow this step- by- step process to get your ex back.

In the case that you got dumped, but you still want them back. Remember – if you get caught up in emotional responses and break the no contact rule, you will have to start the 30 day no contact period all over again.

Step 1: Take a step back

During the no contact period, you want to make sure not to make any contact with your ex in whatever circumstance. You should strictly not contact your ex for 30 days straight following your breakup. This is as difficult as it seems, needless to say. You may have grown an attachment to your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend so much so that restricting yourself against talking to them may seem impossible. Do not fret. If you are motivated to get them back, you will get through this with little strain. Hold fast.

Step 2:  Let your ex breathe

During this time, you need to give the person who broke up with you enough time to face their decision to dump you. They may end up feeling sorry and regretful once they come to realize how valuable you were in their lives. They may also start feeling lonely being single. Let them see that the grass is not greener on the other side as they thought!

Step 3: Make it about yourself

You need to not only use the no contact rule to get an ex back but also to work on yourself. Try to analyze what went wrong in your previous relationship and if you were the cause of the breakup. This will help you build a better relationship if you get back with your ex, or be a good partner in your future relationships in case your ex does not come back. Do you have a habit that your ex could not tolerate? How can you improve on yourself and your personality? Let the no contact rule help you grow as an individual as well. This is the time to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence. Let your ex see that you have changed for the better. I know it sounds cliche but it is true.

Step 4: Plan for a communication strategy

Plan on how you want to establish communication with your ex. Make sure to stay positive and let your ex see that you have changed for the better. Let them see through how you talk that you are not desperate and that you can be independent of them. Plan to keep your communication precise and train yourself to never react to what you ex says.

Step 5: Re-establish communication

Once the 30-day period is over, consider establishing communication with your ex. Ensure that it is after 30 days and not less. Keep in mind that this is a tested technique and therefore breaking it will not make it effective. If you follow every step diligently, you will surely reap great results in getting your ex back. You will not only make your ex want you back but also give them a reason to value you more.

As you go about this period, do not let yourself fall into the trap of texting them back whenever they text you. Do not be tempted to make contact, no matter what. This will make them miss you desperately.

Step 6: Bonus step

Don’t. Be. Needy. Just don’t. I know it’s easy to say but try to accept the situation for what it is. You want them back but you actually don’t NEED them to go on with your life. You might think you do but the truth is you don’t. You can breathe and live without them, period. When you fully accept this concept, you get back control. And confidence. Confidence is the number one attraction builder. Neediness is the number one attraction killer. Your choice.

needy gentleman

Cons of the no contact rule

Before you engage in this step by step activity of getting your ex back, you may need to consider a few things. These are more of prerequisites of the no- contact rule. There are certain questions you may need to ask yourself before opting for this technique.

First, how emotionally stable is your ex? You may want to be sure that your ex is not emotionally fragile. You may know this by analyzing how they respond to disappointments.

Does your ex have violent tendencies? If they have been violent to you in the past, then they may be violent in the future. You may, therefore, want to tread carefully while engaging in this technique. You may want to be sure they no longer have your house keys if they did, and that you keep a safe distance from them. This will ensure that they do not attack nor harass you in their desperation to get you back. On the other hand though, if your ex had violent tendencies, is it even worth to you (just in case you wanted to know my opinion, I’d say no)?

The other question you may need to ask is how much your ex is into you. In the case that you are sure that your ex is still in love with you, then you may proceed with this rule. If you are however unsure of this fact, then you may want to opt for another technique to get them back. This is so because you may end up pushing your ex further away if they are no longer into you.

Pros of the no contact rule

Psychologists have recommended the no contact rule as the surest way of getting back an ex.  Individuals who choose this technique keep a safe distance from their exes yet at the same time try to get them back without a sweat. All you have to do is avoid your ex and watch them come back to you, crawling. If your ex comes back to you, then you will be sure that they really love you. That should be why they came back to you in the first place. And if they don’t love you anymore, they will simply be put off by your not paying attention to them and slither away.

man waiting for his ex

Step by Step – how to initiate contact after no contact period

Congratulations! You have now crossed to the other side of getting back your ex! The big question you may be asking now is what to do after the 30 day no contact rule. Most individuals who manage to hold on through the 30 days grow impatient by the end of the period and end up ruining everything by contacting their exes before or soon after the 30 days. It is crucial that you follow through this rule step- by- step so that it is as effective as possible. Try your best not to initiate any contact before the end of this period if you need great results. If you have been patient enough to wait for the required 30 days, your only worry might be how to initiate contact after no contact period. Once the 30-day period is over, there are steps for how to initiate contact. You should not initiate any contact without planning on what to say and how to go about it.

Step 1: Text your ex

You read right, text your ex rather than call them. If you call your ex-partner, they may feel that you have invaded into their space. Let them know that you are thinking about them and ask about how they are faring on. Be sure to make it a light text.

A good example would be:

Hey X, just thought of saying hi. I hope you are doing great. Let me know if you‘d like us to have coffee sometime. I’d appreciate seeing you.”

This will let them know that you are positively thinking about them. You are also showing them that you respect them and that you want to meet at a neutral location rather than a secluded one that they may find fishy.

Step 2: Waiting a day more will not hurt

Do not respond to your ex until after a day. This you should do even if they text you right back. If they do not respond, text them again after at least a fortnight. Do not become pushy about making contact with them. This will give you enough time to deal with the excitement of hearing from them after such a long time. It will also show your ex that you are not as desperate to talk to them, even if you are! Remember – don’t be needy.

Step 3: Do not express emotion

The last thing you may want to do right now is to become emotional during the first contact with your ex. Do not confess to any emotions like love or sadness. If you go that route, you may only end up scaring away your ex by coming out as intense sooner than you should. Try hard to maintain your composure at all times during contact with them.

Step 4: Call on voicemail

You will most definitely find it easier to talk to your ex on voicemail rather than real time because of the emotions involved. You should, therefore, consider calling them when you are sure they will most likely not pick up the phone. They will get to hear your voice without either of you having to converse simultaneously. Call as if following up on your texts. This will make your ex see that it is their turn to call you back.

Step 5: Aim to have a platonic conversation

Once you finally get to talk on the phone, ensure that you converse with your ex as if you were friends rather than former romantic partners. Do not say anything concerning your relationship until they ask. Do not confess to how wrecked you have been without them. Let them see how independent of them you have become. Let them know that you have other things to do so that you will only meet them during your free time, even if all you do is lie on your bed thinking of them throughout the day. Your ex does not have to know that, do they!

What to say to your ex-girlfriend after no contact

At the end of the no contact period, there are things you may want to say to your ex-girlfriend to clarify on some issues concerning your relationship. You may want to start by confessing that you missed them and that you still love them. Women are emotional beings that love assurance. You may want to tell her what new things you had started doing during the break up that might interest her. For instance, you may have started making your bed or going to the gym. This may make her see how much you have changed for the better so that she may feel more secure in the relationship. Make sure not to tell her lies because if she finds out later that you tricked her, this time you may lose her forever.

Before you engage in those techniques, we highly recommend you to watch this short video. Why? Because there is a couple more things to consider when trying to get your ex-girlfriend back.

picture of a breakup coach

What to say to your ex-boyfriend after no contact

The emotional response of men and women is not the same. That is why you may need to say some things to your ex-boyfriend after the no- contact period. Men are not so interested in your emotions but in your personality and appearance (Shallow? Well, it is what it is). You may want to start by telling them how you missed them so that they have no second guesses about your love for them. You may then want to let them know what new activities you engaged in. Maybe you started eating healthy or engaging in a sport to stay positive. Ensure that whatever you say is positive since you do not want negativity in a new relationship, especially not at the beginning. Most of all, ensure that you are very decent and appealing to re-seduce your ex. You might need more than the no-contact rule to keep him!

Before you engage in those techniques, we highly recommend you to watch this short video. Why? Because there is a couple more things to consider when trying to get back your ex-boyfriend.

no contact rule explained by a breakup coach

Overall, you should note that the no contact rule is not only used to get back an ex who betrayed you, but also to get over an abusive ex. It is not worth going back to an individual who keeps abusing you in the name of love. The most important person in the relationship is yourself. You, therefore, need to take care of yourself and keep off abusive people as much as you can. The no contact rule is an effective way of moving on, in the case that you became attached to such abusive exes. So, however compelling this technique may prove to be, you might want to consider if it’s worth. Sometimes, a permanent no-contact is the best medicine. Other than that, you are good to go. All you have to do is forget your ex’s contact details and voila! There you will be, watching them beg to have you back!