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... and Start Over With Your Ex
Confusion is very common in a decision to go back with your Ex as there are so many emotions that come into play. Perhaps you are still hurt from the breakup, or maybe you don’t even remember why the break up happened in the first place. If you’re wondering, “Should I get back with my Ex?” and if so, “Do I have a solid reason for getting back together with my Ex?”
Let’s start at the beginning to see if this relationship is worth your efforts before you start it up again.
You and your Ex-girlfriend or Ex-boyfriend are both wondering if you have a good reason for getting back together.
Both of you have made many choices during your split. You may have even been dating others to fill the void. Unless you are really ready to take the difficult steps to find the root of the original problem, it may not be wise to consider reuniting. But if you are determined to change whatever may be necessary about yourself, and want to understand the wrong and right reasons to restart the relationship, read on!
Of course, this is very understandable. Getting back with your Ex partner might seem like the best answer. If your relationship wasn’t very long, it might be a bit easier to get over these feelings. It’s normal to feel a sense of loss after you have been intimate with your former partner for any length of time. If this is the main reason you are telling yourself that it’s time to try again, please stop and consider if this is the best course of action at this point in time. You might want to wait longer to investigate the good in the relationship as well as what went wrong and why.
A true love story never ends, but are you in love with your Ex enough to put yourself in emotional harms’ way again? Consider what your Ex has been through as well. Is it fair for both of you to have this renewed relationship just fall to the waste side once more? If you truly are still in love with your Ex, you will take the steps that are necessary for a reconciled relationship to have a chance. Be sure and check out Brad Browning’s videos for a deeper understanding of what you will need to do to bring about a successful reunion with your ex-partner.
You might feel this way now, but you won’t always. Some time has already passed and you’re managing things even though the breakup happened a while back, right? Many therapists say that you should tackle your problems “one day at a time.” Just because your Ex filled a place that is now empty, it doesn’t mean that he is the only one who can meet your needs. Have you given yourself a chance to heal yet?
According to relationship experts like Brad Browning, the no contact rule gets you back to a space in your life where you are fine without your Ex and don’t need that relationship to be happy. And that’s the state where your Ex will become re-attracted to you.”
The no contact rule success rate is very good. However, it’s not easy since it means that you must cut all communication with your Ex. Please check out our other blog pages to learn more about this very important step in healing your relationship.
You might believe that you had a fantastic relationship, but how does your Ex see it? To quote Oprah Winfrey from one of her shows, “Are you being the authentic you? People have an expectation for who they think you are.” In other words, you can act a certain way toward someone, but not really be yourself. Your Ex may actually see you and the relationship completely differently than you think. If both you and your Ex appreciated each other for the many good times you had, as well as good qualities you still have, and if you were tolerant and communicative when problems arose, that may mean you both experienced the relationship as “fantastic,” and it could be a good reason to try again.
Was the break up due to a fight, misunderstanding or mis-placed jealousy? Then maybe a little mature relationship reflection could be applied here. In other articles, we talk about the elements of what makes up a mature relationship. Be sure to “own” your part in the break up and at the same time, understand that pointing fingers is of no help at all. It takes self-reflection and mature insight to get to the root of the problem. Let’s see if we can give a good example of an impulsive break up.
We open the window and peak into the life of Jonathon and Joanne. We aren’t really Peeping Toms, but only innocent observers wanting to understand the impulsive break up syndrome.
It’s the middle of November on a cold night in London. Jonathon comes back to the apartment that he shares with his long-term girlfriend, Joanne. He just finished a double shift at the trainyard as Charlie called in sick again. Jonathon is exhausted, cold and very hungry. He just wants to relax and “chill out” for the rest of the evening. On his way home, he had stopped at the local pub after his shift to have a Guinness with the boys. It had only been for a minute, but Jonathon was sure that Joanne would be pretty upset with him if she knew. He had reached for his mobile phone on the way home but realized that he had forgotten to charge it up, so was unable to call Joanne to let her know he was going to be late. He sure hopes that she is in a good mood and won’t smell the beer on his breath.
We see Joanne sitting on the sofa watching her favorite rerun of the Oprah Winfrey Show entitled “Why doesn’t he respect me?” She is finding it very hard not to be angry at Jonathon. As she reflects on her day, she realizes how tired she feels. Her aching feet can attest to that. Joanne had been on her feet for hours at the Salon where she works as a hairdresser. One of the clients that showed up today was exceptionally demanding and unreasonable. Another woman had the nerve to throw a hairbrush at Joanne. To make things worse, this is isn’t the first time that Jonathon has been late without calling to let her know. She has had dinner ready for hours and feels that he just doesn’t appreciate all the extra things she does for him.
As Jonathon opens up the apartment door, they immediately start to argue and the blame game is in full swing. Accusations fly, neither Joanne or Jonathon are thinking clearly, and they both say things they don’t really mean. Jonathon quickly changes his clothes, washes up a bit and packs a small bag. As he is heading toward the door, he yells that he will be getting his other belongings in the morning. When the door slams behind him, Joanne starts crying and wonders, “What went wrong this time?”
We close the window and step back to reflect on the scene. How many times do these very short outbursts turn in to full blown break ups? As you might see, this seems to be an impulsive break up. Joanne and Jonathan were both very serious about their relationship, and it had been built on the many good qualities they both brought to each other. After each of them had a hard day, they didn’t feel they had much left to give. But on serious reflection, both deeply regretted their unkind outburst and lack of sympathy on that particularly difficult day. There is a good chance that this relationship can be repaired.
There are the obvious reasons for a long distance break up to happen. It could be due to a college in another state, a new job or career move, or it could be some type of family circumstance. Whatever the reason for this type of long distance break up, things can change if your love affair is strong. Many people make long distance relationships work, but it isn’t easy, unless there is a lot of communication, a shared long-term vision, and a deep commitment to endure a separation temporarily because there is no one else they would rather share a life-time with far into the future.
This is definitely an important reason to consider getting back together with your Ex. However, if the relationship was causing a toxic atmosphere in the household it may not be such a great thing to reunite until you have both worked out your individual problems and found ways to bridge your differences.
In a Psychology Today article about staying together just “because of the kids,” you will see that a child isn’t always the best reason to get back together. In fact, under specific circumstances, it can be detrimental to the child’s emotional growth. Although the article is written for marriages, the advice can apply to non-married couples as well.
It states, “Kids forced to endure loveless marriages and to tolerate emotional tension day after day bear the full brunt of their parents’ dysfunctional relationship. They intuitively feel their parents’ unhappiness, and sense their coldness and lack of intimacy. In many cases, children blame themselves, feeling their parents’ combative relationship is somehow their fault. In such cases, staying together ‘for the kids’ is a cruel joke.”
But if there have been commitments made to each other, and overall, the relationship has been healthy and outside circumstances were putting too much pressure on you as a young family, then perhaps with some counselling or getting the extra support you need from friends and family members, you may both want to try again, not only for your child’s sake, but for your own long-term happiness.
A great quote from Dr. Phil asks, “Know what can chip away at a perfectly healthy, solid relationship? Believing myths about what other “happy” couples are or do.” Are you envisioning your rekindled relationship through the misconception of what a happy couple looks like? Your relationship with your Ex is unique, and if you put an expectation of that envisioned “happy” couple into play, it might be doomed before it even starts. But if the vision you see of the future was built together with your Ex so that it was specific to the way both of you want to live and share your lives together, then this could be a great reason to try to get back with your Ex.
Be sure that you are considering all the pros and cons of reconciling with your Ex. What does reconcile mean? One definition is, “a process of dealing with the past in harmony.” Do you think you can deal with and change your feelings about past hurts so you can establish harmony with your Ex? If you’re willing to put in the work and change yourself, and if your Ex is willing as well, you both may have found some good reasons to reconcile.
The statistics show that there is anywhere from 10% to 65% chance of getting back together after a break up. That is quite a large percentage gap, and it has a lot to do with the circumstances stated through-out this discussion.
However, the good news is that all of the statistics above do not take into account the fact that you can now seek help online to learn the very best reasons and methods of how to get your partner back. Brad Browning, the Relationship Guru has amazing results at the high end of that percentage, helping couples to reunite for the right reasons. Click the image to watch his video.
Hopefully, this article has helped reduce your confusion and you have managed to get some insight for your question of, “Is there a good reason to get back together with my Ex?” Take the time you need to look at your relationship without blinders and with a renewed sense of friendship. What are some of the qualities you admire in your Ex? Can you picture yourself with your Ex in six months, a year or, dare we say forever? Are you prepared to do all it takes to get to that point of trust and open communication again?
Some first steps could be going out on a fresh “first date” with your reconciled love. Try to get rid of any criticisms and contempt you might have felt from the breakup. Increase your listening and actual understanding of what your partner is saying. If you stumble back into the old habits, stop and check your feelings at the door. Go back to your plan of action, watch Brad Browning’s videos again, and read the advice we are offering to help you get past the emotional turmoil you’re going through. If you truly believe in making this relationship work, learn from the past, but look forward to your future as a loving couple.
This might be a good time to put yourself and your Ex in the mood for love. Check out Shakespeare’s love sonnets. You might find that perfect gem to rekindle your love connection.
You might even be able to sing the song to her by Firefall called Love that Got Away. Some of the lyrics are:
I can’t believe it
I never thought I’d see you smile again
Now that I see it
I get that same old feeling again…..
I don’t know how long you will stay
It doesn’t matter anyway
I say welcome home
To the love that got away…..