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... and Start Over With Your Ex
If you have cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend, we commend you for attempting this brave, but difficult, trek to get your love back. To climb this mountain, you’ll run into obstacles that you will have to conquer, with the end result being a deeper bond of understanding than ever before through building renewed trust over time with your Ex.
Before you even attempt this journey, you are going to have to discover why you strayed, if you are truly ready to say, “I’m done cheating forever,” and can be honest with yourself that you will never go down that path again.
So many have gone before you, and yet this is your personal journey. I am sure that you are aware of many stories of celebrities, politicians, and even people of faith who have been in your shoes. We hope that you can find a way through the trials, heartache and pain you will and your partner will experience during this process.
Let’s look at the reasons why you may have drifted away and cheated. Only you can answer the questions as to why, but here are some common explanations:
This happens when someone gets a little carried away with the current situation. There could be alcohol involved, and then opportunity knocks, and the door is opened. Someone catches your eye, and before you even realize what happened, you have gone too far. You hadn’t planned this to happen; it just did, and you wake up the next morning realizing that it was probably a mistake.
You no longer feel the attraction toward your love, and you are basically tired of trying. This is more of a situation of needing to feel loved and attractive to someone new. Maybe that new flame seems exciting or seems to have more in common with you than your current boyfriend or girlfriend.
It’s not uncommon to seek others who can make you forget your struggles and relationship woes. A new backdoor relationship might be what you feel you need to escape the problems at home. To avoid the real issue by escaping into a “honeymoon” relationship with someone who won’t fight with you and doesn’t have history to remind you of all of your “faults” can seem so appealing that you don’t want to resist the temptation.
Once you have met that special someone and the honeymoon stage is over, it can be hard to realize that you can never be “with” anyone else again. Perhaps you didn’t think it through and you don’t feel that you have really sowed your wild oats enough.
There are other reasons that someone might cheat during a long-term relationship and, as stated, you are the only one who can answer this question for your own situation. We believe that there are some positive steps you can make toward mending your relationship, even after the truth is revealed and your partner knows you cheated.
Be sure and check out Brad Browning’s videos for some in-depth insight to repairing the lost trust.
Women and men may have different ideas of what the word infidelity means. Alfred Kinsey states that there are basically two types of infidelity.
Most common with men, sexual infidelity can be triggered by many different factors including poor self-esteem, lack of moral intuitive, or boredom.
This is a typical reason for women to stray. It could be caused by lack of emotional connection with their current boyfriend or a lack of self-confidence and control.
You might be the one who cheated, thinking, “I feel so bad that I hurt the one person I truly love and who loves me. Is there hope for me that I can change?”
Or you might be the one whose partner cheated on you, thinking, “I love my Ex so much, but how can I ever trust him (or her) again? Is it possible for someone who cheated to really change?”
In Psychology Today there is an article about this very subject. It was written by someone who was the adulterer, which gives him the ability to articulate with confident insight on the reasons he had an affair. It sheds light on those who are on the other end of the relationship, and may help couples begin to understand what led to their current situation.
Cheaters can change, but only if they know the reasons why the cheating occurred, which will give them a guideline on how to avoid future slip-ups.
As we have stated in many of our other love blogs and relationship pages, recovering a relationship starts by doing what you need to do first. You have been walking down this road to destruction long enough. Time to take the high road and work on whatever caused you to stray in the first place. YES, you can get your Ex back after cheating with some help from an expert like Brad Browning, and by being willing to work on your own issues before you try to reconcile the relationship.
Let’s take a look at the story of Jackson who recently went through some of the same things you may be going through right now.
Jackson was an avid hiker and had been taking long-distance trips, even though his lovely girlfriend, Karen, was more of a homebody and was a bit afraid of the outdoors. They had been together for several years, and it wasn’t unusual for Jackson to go on extended hiking trips without her.
On this particular trip, Jackson came to a fork in the road, and there she stood. She was a tall, stunning woman in hiking boots, a beauty beyond compare, named Laura. Needless to say, he lost all sense of reason, and before he knew it, he was in Laura’s arms. He justified his behavior at the time telling himself that Laura was just who he needed, since they had so much in common; but Jackson failed to look at the long-term consequences of his actions.
It wasn’t until the next morning that Jackson realized what he had done. Laura had left earlier in the morning to carry on with her journey in life, leaving Jackson to reflect on what had transpired. As he lay in his tent alone, Jackson’s guilt and remorse were more than he could handle, so instead of keeping his mistake a secret he would have to hide from her for the rest of his life, he sent a text to Karen, telling her that he had made a mistake and slept with Laura, but was extremely sorry.
Karen immediately wrote back asking him why he had betrayed her trust. Jackson didn’t have an answer for her at the time, but he knew in his heart that Karen was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and he told her that this mistake only confirmed to him how much he loved Karen, which was why he wanted to be honest with her. He promised he would never cheat on her again, and he also agreed to go to counseling to figure out the reason why he made that spur-of-the-moment decision, and asked her to not give up on him, but to give him another chance to prove how much he valued her and her love.
Fixing the issuing isn’t a nuts and bolts kind of problem. It is hard physical and mental work that Jackson will have to commit to in order to gain understanding of himself and to repair Karen’s trust in him. They will start the healing process after cheating by true self-reflection and honest and open communication.
Women often feel betrayed and hurt just like men would if the roles were reversed. But many women also state that they blame themselves for their partner straying. One woman reported, “It is the worst feeling in the world to learn that your boyfriend has cheated. It is the evilest and most hurtful thing that I have experienced.” Often there is a feeling that they are not worthy of love and have difficulty trusting this partner again, or even a future partner.
Getting to the root of the issue is one of the first steps that you should take. Seek advice from professionals and be honest with yourself and your partner about the reasons that you strayed.
Women, in general, want to be heard, so listen to her. Does it sound like she is willing to consider forgiveness or to try again?
If so, go slow and remember to actively listen to her. This is not the time to outtalk her or to beg her to take you back. She is going to have to make the decision whether she is willing to give you another chance or not.
The best advice is to be honest with yourself and with your Ex. If the reason you cheated was that your boyfriend was not giving you the emotional support you needed, then tell him. Seek professional help or couples’ therapy to sort out what will fill the void that you probably are trying to fill.
If you are going to come clean and tell him that you cheated, be sure and have a plan so that he knows you are serious about mending the relationship. Be prepared for his response and the possibility that he won’t be ready to forgive you right away.
If he asks questions, be as honest as you can without going into too much graphic detail, if possible. It is a typical response for men to want to know all the dirty details; even though naming names might be what he wants, it may not be wise, at least at first.
If he goes silent, be as honest as you can with him about how it happened, that it has ended, and what is it that makes you want to continue your relationship with him. Tell him what you love about him.
Infidelity is not a death sentence for your relationship.
Since you have obviously started the process of trying to mend the relationship with your Ex, it may actually be the breath of life the relationship needed.
After all the work you will need to do to repair the lost trust your boyfriend must feel, honesty will be your most reliable tool that you should use from the start.
It is true that the cheater and the victim of the infidelity are both going to suffer for the affair. Just the fact that you are willing to admit it and that you are truly promising to never cheat again is an excellent first step. However, that may not be enough to assure your partner of your sincerity or your ability to comply in the future.
Time does help when it comes to repairing a relationship, so taking the right actions over a certain amount of time is what is going to be needed here. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, if you can, and it might be easier to understand their reaction. Would you be able to forgive your partner immediately if they had done the same thing to you? If no, then you should realize that it may be difficult for them to be able to move forward with you and learn to trust you again.
A fresh start is what is needed at this point. Try to put the affair behind you and don’t bring it up again if it can be avoided. Of course, you both have learned from your mistakes and are making strides to repair the trust and any other problems that surfaced.
Focus on the positive and the future, and leave the past behind. It may be true that your partner can forgive, but it might be a different thing for them to forget. They may be hypersensitive to the smallest infractions, so give them time to work through the insecurity that may linger.
Can you imagine being in the limelight, like a celebrity or politician, after it is discovered and published in the media that an affair happened?
Just think of Hilary and Bill Clinton as a well-known example of publicized infidelity. Despite continued scrutiny by the media and the public, they are still together.
Another example is Beyoncé and Jay-Z who had infidelity issues in 2014. Her response to the public was, “Families have problems, and we’re no different. We love each other, and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.” On top of that, Beyoncé wrote a song called “Becky with the Good Hair” about the affair. Jay-Z and Beyoncé are still married to this day.
If you are wondering if Jackson and Karen made it past Jackson’s infidelity, as a matter of fact, they are now happily together as a couple, living in the beautiful state of Oregon. Karen found the courage to join Jackson in his hiking adventures. She realized that she needed to be part of his passion for hiking, and now has discovered things she loves in the outdoor world with him.
They are soon to be married and plan to have their wedding on Mount Bachelor in the summer. We wish them and you all the best on your climb to a successful, happy and lifetime relationship.
Like many others, you and your ex can get through this very difficult time as long as true love is your foundation. Don’t rush it, bring it all to the table with honesty and sincere respect. If you are fortunate to work through the heartaches, mistrust and sadness with patience and unconditional love, you may find that your relationship is stronger than it ever was before. Be sure and check out Brad’s result-getting course about getting your ex back, no matter what caused the breakup.