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... and Start Over With Your Ex
Breaking up is hard to go through for anyone even if the relationship was short-lived.
Let’s start by saying that we acknowledge that you are probably hurting.
We are here to help and hopefully ease some of your sorrow by opening the door to hope of the future.
During this tumultuous period, men and women each have their own challenges, and much of our advice can be used by either gender. However, as you read on you will see there are gender-specific sections to help with your concerns or reactions.
If you have ever wondered why the two sexes react differently to the same situation, you can check out some helpful quotes from Dr. John Gray’s book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” His basic philosophy is that men and women approach the same issue with different filters. Without knowing where your partner is coming from or how they think, it can be hard to understand why they respond in ways that seem “foreign” to you.
Keeping in mind that your Ex may not be viewing your break-up in the same way as you may help you understand why your Ex seemed to act in a “crazy” fashion toward you.
Maybe you have been talking to your girls, and they can’t believe the way he is treating you. That’s a nice validation, but it isn’t going to get you where you want to be.
There is no doubt that you are going to miss him in so many ways.
You probably were used to talking with him or texting him several times a day.
Maybe going out to your favorite restaurants and clubs and just generally knowing he was around.
Have you ever tried thinking of the situation through your Ex’s eyes? What are the times that he might be missing you the most? As a man, it could be tough for him to admit his feelings even his closest buds, primarily if he was the one who initiated the breakup.
The song “You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone” tells it like it is. Some of the lyrics say:
“You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re going to miss me by hair
You’re going to miss me everywhere
You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.”
By now, you may have heard over and over again that the “no-contact method” is the best way to make your Ex miss you and want you back.
The chance of him not missing you is pretty much non-existent, and he can pretend all he wants, but you know him better than that. With some work on your part, you could even have your Ex chasing after you! Oh, what a sight to see as he makes a beeline back to you!
Depending on the circumstances, how you reacted during the initial break-up will give you some insight on how the next few days will go. Will it be a short process? – Or will you need to extend the no-contact period longer to make the necessary changes in your life before trying to reunite?
One thing that can make a difference is if you can control your part in the breakup, try to keep your cool and not say things that will be hard to take back later. Just doing that will help a lot in the long run. Remember that emotions may run high at first, but usually calm down in a matter of days.
If you were angry, extremely emotional and irrational, or if there was a physical interaction during the break-up, this might take more time than just a friendly, “I think we need to take a break.”
Has your Ex decided to start “ghosting” you on social media and all other forms of communication? What type of contact have you had with him since your breakup? There is still time to come clean with whatever happened during the split, but you probably will need to wait and not initiate contact if you want to make your Ex miss you like crazy – and get him back.
Looking at all the various explanations of the No-Contact Rule on the internet can be overwhelming. If you look closely though, you will find that they all give you the same necessary steps.
No-Contact means STOP communicating entirely. All forms of communication need to cease for a while.
Brad Browning has a wonderful point of view regarding the No-Contact theory, so don’t be shy, check out his videos.
How long you should avoid all contact with your Ex will depend on how things have been going up to now.
If you have been contacting him, hounding him, calling and begging him to take you back then the no-contact period has not started.
It will actually begin once you have stopped all communication with him, so keep that in mind if you are tempted to text or call him. That means even if he doesn’t answer the phone, it is still a form of contact. He can see from his phone log that you are trying to contact him and may think it’s desperation, and that no matter what you do or say, you may not be sincere after such a short time apart.
Yes, men think differently about relationships, but they are human and have feelings, too.
Do you remember what it was that he loved about you? If you remember, then you have a chance to trigger those emotions again in your Ex.
But not right away, you have work to do first….
You have given yourself and your Ex a very precious gift, the gift of time. Time to heal, time to make personal changes and time for self-reflection. It is a proven method of the healing process and has helped scores of others who have come before you.
Your Ex might want to pretend that he is the strong one and that he has moved on without missing you a bit.
But don’t let him try to fool you.
He does miss all the little things about you, the things that you loved doing together, the silly and loving times you shared.
When you are not in contact at all is the perfect time for you to do some personal self-retrospection, and then work on changes that will bring him to your side again.
OK, Mr. Ex, it’s your turn. She might be from Venus, but you know how she thinks. You know her ins and outs, what makes her mad and what makes her smile. Your insight into her psyche will be invaluable during your pursuit of happiness with your Ex-girlfriend.
Getting your Ex back guru, Brad Browning says,
To win back your ex-girlfriend and establish a new, healthy relationship, you need to erase all of the negative memories and thoughts she has of you and replace them with positive ones. You need to tap into her primal, subconscious feelings and plant the seeds of passion, romance, and sexuality so that she can’t imagine herself with anyone else.
We are jumping ahead of the game now. Just keep these thoughts in your mind so that we can use Brad’s tools as we progress to get the full picture.
Like your counterpart, you must adhere to the no-contact policy.
Guys who beg, plead or stalk their Ex are, in the female mind, weak and not worthy of their time.
Your best game plan is to STICK with the no-contact rule for at least 30 days.
No-contact means that you have some control if your Ex calls you or tries to contact you.
If you chose to answer her call, it will be important for you to be strong and say that you need some time and that you won’t be talking to her for a while.
This time apart may be just the key to put the unknown factor in your Ex’s mind and plant the seed of mystery that could spark just enough curiosity to bring her into a place that you can finally start rebuilding your relationship.
Begin by analyzing what went wrong, what was your part in the break up, and what can you do to better yourself.
We can’t stress this part enough as, without some changes, your chance of a long-term relationship with your Ex will be doubtful. Increase your awareness, not only by recognizing how your Ex is feeling, but your feelings as well.
Be the best Ex you can be and build up your confidence by true introspection.
You could be the coolest guy on the block with more ladies chasing after you than anyone could imagine, but your Ex isn’t tracking you, so let’s face it, man. You can use some improvement. I’d bet if you were honest with yourself, you would uncover several areas that your Ex-girlfriend would put down on a must change list.
See things from her eyes, and remember the hints that she gave so that you can really pinpoint where your Ex would say you need to make improvements. After all, this is about getting her back, and you want to make sure that your Ex feels you have been listening to her suggestions.
Write down what the issues were with your Ex that she explicitly told you about, and if you can see her point, then start by working on improving those issues.
Don’t beat yourself up though; go step by step, and don’t rush it. Make sure that you are being genuine with your self-reflection and your steps to improve.
You might tend to try to control the situation, but hold your horses if you haven’t done your part to set the stage for her to see that she wants you back. If you have preferred instant gratification in the past, waiting might drive you a bit crazy.
You could want to save the day and rush in like a Knight in Shining Armor to sweep your damsel up in your arms. Nice thought, but even heroes have to prepare, pass some tests, and prove that they are up for the job.
No matter how you might look at it, you two had a past that can’t be replaced by anyone new. You have memories that aren’t going to go away.
Your Ex misses you even though she might be telling everyone she knows that you have both moved on.
Don’t try to be a macho guy by trying to fix the issue or show her why she should miss you. Let her stew a bit, see if she will come flying back into your arms.
An encouraging result from Gandrew says:
For the first week after our breakup, I was texting her 24/7 desperately and wanted her back and just felt like I was bugging her. But after taking time off, we both cooled off and she started missing me, and my desperate energy wore off and I was able to play it cool. NC works! Trust me.
And how about Steve’s post:
My best friend, who was around 27 years old at the time, got dumped by a girl he had been dating for 18 months and he was very much in love with. I was there with him for those first few weeks as he cried most nights on the couch, drank heaps and was a complete mess. He tried reaching out to her to no success and he went No Contact after a month or so of feeling sorry for himself, he started getting himself back on his feet and in the 4 months or so of No Contact that followed he went out on a couple of dates and made some positive changes in his life, but he told me his heart was still for his Ex.
Yes, the plan does work, but I think the key thing is you just can’t sit around and do nothing while you are doing No Contact. You need to get back on your feet and do those things that you are passionate about.
Go, slow man, don’t jump back into the game full force. Show that you have changed bit by bit, so she can see the better you.
Showing off your new life in social media is a good plan about now. Your Ex-girlfriend might check you out on Facebook and see you doing things with others that you never did with her.
You might even share pictures that show you having fun at a party or gathering with many other women around.
This isn’t really playing the game of making her jealous; it’s only trying to show her that you have made changes in your life.
If there were issues with you being lazy in the past, perhaps adding events on your page that show you have joined a gym, amateur soccer team or a hiking group would prove the point even more.
Did you recently get a new haircut, get your teeth whitened, or lose some weight? Well then, show her by posting on your page or by going out with mutual friends so that they will see the changes in you.
Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of exes reunite, suggests that you start off with contacting your Ex with a “clean slate” email. It’s also known as the “elephant in the room” email, owning your part in the break-up and asking for forgiveness it.
This email should happen after the no-contact period is over. If you try the clean slate email during the no-contact timeframe, your Ex might think that you are just trying to manipulate her into coming back to her.
Your apology needs to be truly genuine for this initial email contact to work.
Love doesn’t mean you never have to say you are sorry, in fact, it takes love and true courage to admit you were wrong and to simply ask for forgiveness.
So, although men may seem like Martians and women may seem like aliens from Venus, you two DO have a chance to learn to communicate and make your relationship work. Work through your issues on your own first during the time you are apart, and hopefully, your Ex will also have the insight to do the same.
Check out all that Brad Browning has to offer, and meanwhile, reach out to those who love you most for support during your time apart from your Ex, until you succeed in re-establishing contact and renewing the most important relationship in your life.